Today was bittersweet. It was the day we laid grandma to rest in the Sea. It was a cool, cloudy morning filled with anticipation of what was to come. All of the immediate family was there. we gathered and chatted but, I couldn't really talk about her out loud to anyone. I know that if I do then, it makes it more and more real that she's gone.
I know she is no longer suffering and she is in a better place a place made by the Lord but, It doesn't mean that I won't miss her. That is what I'm most sad about, my own selfishness, my own feeling of missing her. I don't know how to feel. I know I should feel happy that she isn't suffering anymore but, I just feel sad and broken hearted. I feel like there is an emptiness in my chest that aches when I think about her which, is everyday. There are moments randomly in the day where something so insignificant will make me think of her and I fell that sadness again. I can't sleep because as soon as I close my eyes I see her in my memories. When my mind is suppose to be winding down from the day Grandma fills my thoughts.
I'm not sure how to move on from here. Everyone says it gets easier but,right now I'm so far from that I just can't see it. It's all just so fresh. I can't let her go yet. I'm not ready to let her go. I love her so much, so much more than I ever realized I did. You don't really know what someone means to you until they are taken away from you. People may think that I'm emotionless or that I'm cold but the fact is that if I open my mouth to talk about how I feel the floodgates will over flow. I want to scream and be mad and sad and joyful all at once.
It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair I want to chant and throw a tantrum like a little kid. If I do this enough will God hear me and bring her back to me healed so we can start over? When she was lowered into the Sea I just wanted to jump in with her. Yes, That thought was very strong in my mind. I know it's crazy but, that's how I felt. Why can't we just all go together at the same time? It's such a childish feeling but, that's how I felt. Like a little kid who didn't get her way.
I'm so happy to have my Aunt, She is such an amazing woman, strong and loving, kind and big hearted. i don't know how she is getting through this. I feel bad for not being able to be strong for her. I should be comforting her not the opposite. Who knew that I was such a big baby. I put on a good fron t I guess, but when it comes down to it, I'm just a big pile of mush.
I will pray and ask God to fill my heart with peace, to help my let go and to help my get through this. I know he will, I have Faith that he will and I know I will sleep tonight. Peaceful, rest just like my Grandma.
