Grandmas Burial at Sea

Today was bittersweet. It was the day we laid grandma to rest in the Sea. It was a cool, cloudy morning filled with anticipation of what was to come. All of the immediate family was there. we gathered and chatted but, I couldn't really talk about her out loud to anyone. I know that if I do then, it makes it more and more real that she's gone.
 I know she is no longer suffering and she is in a better place a place made by the Lord but, It doesn't mean that I won't miss her. That is what I'm most sad about, my own selfishness, my own feeling of missing her. I don't know how to feel. I know I should feel happy that she isn't suffering anymore but, I just feel sad and broken hearted. I feel like there is an emptiness in my chest that aches when I think about her which, is everyday. There are moments randomly in the day where something so insignificant will make me think of her and I fell that sadness again. I can't sleep because as soon as I close my eyes I see her in my memories. When my mind is suppose to be winding down from the day Grandma fills my thoughts.
 I'm not sure how to move on from here. Everyone says it gets easier but,right now I'm so far from that I just can't see it. It's all just so fresh. I can't let her go yet. I'm not ready to let her go. I love her so much, so much more than I ever realized I did. You don't really know what someone means to you until they are taken away from you. People may think that I'm emotionless or that I'm cold but the fact is that if I open my mouth to talk about how I feel the floodgates will over flow. I want to scream and be mad and sad and joyful all at once.
 It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair I want to chant and throw a tantrum like a little kid. If I do this enough will God hear me and bring her back to me healed so we can start over? When she was lowered into the Sea I just wanted to jump in with her. Yes, That thought was very strong in my mind. I know it's crazy but, that's how I felt. Why can't we just all go together at the same time? It's such a childish feeling but, that's how I felt. Like a little kid who didn't get her way.
 I'm so happy to have my Aunt, She is such an amazing woman, strong and loving, kind and big hearted. i don't know how she is getting through this. I feel bad for not being able to be strong for her. I should be comforting her not the opposite. Who knew that I was such a big baby. I put on a good fron t I guess, but when it comes down to it, I'm just a big pile of mush.
 I will pray and ask God to fill my heart with peace, to help my let go and to help my get through this. I know he will, I have Faith that he will and I know I will sleep tonight. Peaceful, rest just like my Grandma.

Josh's 5th Grade promotion

This week marks the first in many promotion or graduation ceremonies to come. My big boy Josh is moving on from elementary school to Middle school. He will be attending Rogers in the fall. It has been a long hard road to get here and I pray that God will bless him with maturity, wisdom and clarity of mind so, he will be more than successful in the next chapter of his life.

Grandma Judy

My Grandma was the most beautiful, funny, fantastic woman I ever knew. Everyone knew when Judy had arrived. She was the most perfect, imperfect person. She had a way of saying the most inappropriate things but, it was okay because Judy said it.
 Here are my memories of her
I remember playing in Papa Joe's Raider room and eating cashews and playing at the pool in the backyard.
I remember sitting in the back of the Lemon Tree waiting for her to get off of work and going to the Taco Bell for lunch.
I remember going to the store down the way from the Lemon tree after work and her buying me a little toy every time we went.
 I remember eating the best pickles at the Deli.
I remember her making me a bagel with strawberry jelly.
 I remember her letting me set the tables at the Deli and how it made me feel like a big girl.
I remember her big white Christmas tree in the penthouse condo.
I remember getting to sleep with grandma every time I stayed at her house. Snuggle time was the best.
I remember how Christmas was always so special with her because she made each gift look so beautiful that you didn't want to open it but, just look at it and the stocking was always the best part with each little thing individually wrapped and so pretty.
I remember how she made Easter so special the night before by dying Easter eggs on her kitchen counter, then waking up to a HUGE Easter basket put together by her and wrapped so beautifully.
 I remember her teaching me to play Gin Rumie but, now I forget.
I remember her slot machine in the house.
I remember her big giant glass filled with matchbooks.
 I remember her taking care of Rico's mom.
I remember her taking care of Rico.
I remember moving into her house in the desert and her making me a steak dinner with a twice bake potato for dinner that I would eat when I got off of work at midnight.
 I remember her amazing tacos that my kids now think are my amazing tacos.
I remember her teaching me how to make her Vodka with a splash of Squirt.
I remember her always carrying a pink lipstick with her.
I remember she told me to wear pink lipstick because it was flattering on everyone.
I remember her yelling at me because my cat Caruso pooped and made the whole house stink.
I remember her telling me that the flying desert roaches were called date bugs.
I remember her driving in two lanes at night and she would swear she was driving in one.
I remember her big hair, and makeup always done before I woke up.
I remembered not to bug her during her stories aka soap opera.
 I remember her going to sleep to the loud television every night and having to go into her room and turn it off so I could sleep.
I remember her snoring so loud she kept me awake anyway.
I remember her yelling at me to wake up because I was wasting the day away sleeping.
I remember needing to leave the desert and not giving her enough time, which I now know hurt her feelings and feeling so bad about it.
 I remember when she told me about meeting Jim online and how cool I thought that was.
I remember taking my babies to visit her and how much she loved them.
I remember forcing her to go to the living desert with us and she could barely walk without needing to catch her breath. That was the beginning of the end but, I had no idea.
I remember talking with her and how in love with her I felt. She could always make me feel so loved no matter what.
 I remember her singing happy birthday to me over the phone.
I remember how she taught me how to practice my cursive so my handwriting ended up looking like hers.
I remember how she always wanted to talk to Gracie on the phone but, they never understood each other. I would have to translate.
I remember her playing card games on the computer.
I remember her not feeling good but, insisting on us getting in the pool and having ice cream.
I remember all of the close calls and driving out to the to see her though them.
I remember her yelling "JIIIIIIMMMM" every time she needed something.
I remember the last time I saw her and hoping she would make it till the kids got out of school so we could spend our summer week with her.
 I remember she asked me when I was going to lose weight and then saying "probably when I do too" and laughing!!
I remember that was the first time we took a picture with her and she wasn't wearing her pink lipstick.
I remember that she always gave the best hugs and kisses. I just didn't know that this time would be my last hug and kiss.
I remember so much more and will one day reminisce with her in Heaven.
She was the most perfect Grandma anyone could have ever asked for and my heart aches for her hugs and kisses. I will wear my pink lipstick and think of her every time I do. I remember so much more but, it hurts too much to continue. I love you Grandma Judy, no one will ever replace you or that part of my heart. I know you are preparing a place for us and we will one day be together again. Thank You for your unconditional love I can only hope to be as amazing as you were and are to me.

Read my post from last year at this time here