One year without Grandma

I sat behind a woman at church last night that had a hair do just like my grandmas. She was about the same size as my grandma and was wearing pink. It was no coincidence. God knew I needed to see her.

At Midnight last night a year ago she left her broken, sick body and her spirit went to be where it was meant to be..with the Lord walking and talking and being able to fellowship with our beautiful Lord God. This has been the roughest year of my life. I never knew what it was like to lose someone that meant everything to me and I have come a long way but, I know I have a long way to go. I miss her sooo much and can't wait for the day when we'll see each other again.

 I thank God for that little comfort he gave me last night. It really was a special moment for me.

Depression, Anxiety...what??

So much has happened in this past year. I haven't blogged because I was so busy with life. I have two other blogs that are work related and for  while work had taken over my life. It has only been since the end of March that my life has been put back on track.

I have learned so much about how I want to live my life and how I don't want to live my life. I now know the most important part of my life should be my walk with God. Without him I am nothing, I can do nothing. I can't lean on my own understanding. I need to lean on him everyday. I now start my morning with him before anything else or my day is just living for whatever happens and not with purpose.

 I never let myself really grieve over my grandma, instead I just dove into work and there started my downfall. It didn't happen all at once, it happened slowly and overtime. I didn't want to deal with grandma passing away, I didn't want to accept it as reality in fact writing this still makes me tear up. Talking about her sometimes makes me cry and I know that is ok now, I know I HAVE to talk about her and remember all of the wonderful, fun times we had and not focus on my own selfishness of wanting her here with me. She suffered so much in the end and no one should have to live that way. I wouldn't want her here with me that way. She is now in heaven with the Lord and is healthy and beautiful.

  I started having what I now know were anxiety attacks. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. It started in December around Christmas. I thought it was because I was sick but, I was also dealing with depression. I wanted to cry for nothing, I just didn't want to be here, I felt like I needed to go outside. I needed to be at the beach even though it was the cold of winter. I couldn't sleep, I didn't understand what was happening to me, why I was having these thoughts.
 I got better physically but, didn't know what was happening so it was never dealt with. In March I had an attack and went to the hospital. After talking to some family, I realized what was happening to me. I saw a doctor and saw a therapist. Both wanted to put me on medication but, after talking a bit more the therapist agreed that I could manage it with exercise and mental focus when I felt like I was going to have another attack. According to her anxiety is usually inherited but, I know that I am made in God's image and I rebuke that. I gave my life over to the Lord rather I re-dedicated my life and my focus.

 I had my life so upside down and it needed to be put back in order. God, My husband, My kids then, my work. I have been trying to eat right and work out everyday and I tell you after I work out I feel so good. Yes, the physical part is right in fact, doctors say that exercise is the only thing that they know works 100% and it has made such a difference.

 I know people don't always talk about this sort of thing but, I tell everyone I know because I don't want others to have to go through it. If this just helps one person then, I have done my job.
Everyday is a gift to me now. I try to make the most out of it and enjoy my family and life so much more. I am so thankful to my mom and dad who prayed for me and pray for me everyday. My husband has been so amazing and my heart has been filled with so much more love for him. He has taken such good care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. Our lives are so good right now because our love for God is first in both of our lives.

 We have never been happier. All through our marriage there have been highs and lows and now both of us have probably gone through one of the lowest places in our lives and come out of it stronger and closer then ever.

 Yes, we are happy but, we are human and we still have our struggles but, we now know that God is in control of it all. I don't worry like I use to because I know God has a plan. I listen and look to Him for the answers and stop trying to figure it all out on my own. God is so awesome, he has made these huge changes in us and in my kids in such a small amount of time. Our lives can no longer be lived for ourselves but rather they are lived for Him and His Glory.

Grandmas Burial at Sea

Today was bittersweet. It was the day we laid grandma to rest in the Sea. It was a cool, cloudy morning filled with anticipation of what was to come. All of the immediate family was there. we gathered and chatted but, I couldn't really talk about her out loud to anyone. I know that if I do then, it makes it more and more real that she's gone.
 I know she is no longer suffering and she is in a better place a place made by the Lord but, It doesn't mean that I won't miss her. That is what I'm most sad about, my own selfishness, my own feeling of missing her. I don't know how to feel. I know I should feel happy that she isn't suffering anymore but, I just feel sad and broken hearted. I feel like there is an emptiness in my chest that aches when I think about her which, is everyday. There are moments randomly in the day where something so insignificant will make me think of her and I fell that sadness again. I can't sleep because as soon as I close my eyes I see her in my memories. When my mind is suppose to be winding down from the day Grandma fills my thoughts.
 I'm not sure how to move on from here. Everyone says it gets easier but,right now I'm so far from that I just can't see it. It's all just so fresh. I can't let her go yet. I'm not ready to let her go. I love her so much, so much more than I ever realized I did. You don't really know what someone means to you until they are taken away from you. People may think that I'm emotionless or that I'm cold but the fact is that if I open my mouth to talk about how I feel the floodgates will over flow. I want to scream and be mad and sad and joyful all at once.
 It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair I want to chant and throw a tantrum like a little kid. If I do this enough will God hear me and bring her back to me healed so we can start over? When she was lowered into the Sea I just wanted to jump in with her. Yes, That thought was very strong in my mind. I know it's crazy but, that's how I felt. Why can't we just all go together at the same time? It's such a childish feeling but, that's how I felt. Like a little kid who didn't get her way.
 I'm so happy to have my Aunt, She is such an amazing woman, strong and loving, kind and big hearted. i don't know how she is getting through this. I feel bad for not being able to be strong for her. I should be comforting her not the opposite. Who knew that I was such a big baby. I put on a good fron t I guess, but when it comes down to it, I'm just a big pile of mush.
 I will pray and ask God to fill my heart with peace, to help my let go and to help my get through this. I know he will, I have Faith that he will and I know I will sleep tonight. Peaceful, rest just like my Grandma.